Things are always fluid around here. Making location and lifestyle plans when you rely on the film industry is relatively impossible. Its why we are still in this country, this street and this house. Its why the boys don't yet have that much yearned for dog. I call it limbo. I used to call it other things but they just gave me a headache.
Between us, we have fervent dreams for our family of soon to be five, and yet year after year we seem to continue rolling along this same path because such and such is going to happen. We put off moving, changing, taking what seem like big risks because firstly there is a job that needs doing in order to make the change viable. Its a big part of why I never went back. When you have children there simply must be a constant. I wish we both had a gyspy strength of heart.Pack up and change. Just go with it and all will be right.
I wasn't raised like that. Grow up, get a job, buy a house, then buy a bigger house and so the story goes. Only have two children because financially its easier and once a year have a holiday somewhere sunny.
A fear and routine drummed into me by someone who had it drummed into him. What a waste of life to do nothing with it. There is a whole world out there and I dont believe my children should be adults before they can appreciate it. I dont believe we have to live in a four bedroom house and have a strangling mortgage to justify calling ourselves adults. I thoroughly disagree with the values of the person who drummed them into me.
Its not me. I fancy packing my bags and grabbing my boys and landing somewhere that will force us to learn new things. Cultures, languages, history. Where I come from that was called "stupid" and "being a dreamer". As though there is something insulting about being a dreamer. I couldnt imagine how. Dreamers change the world. Not always of course but the world has been shaped by some very notable dreamers. If nothing else they hopefully manage to live the way they desire on more than a "its laundry on monday and saturday is supermarket day" level.
In my childhood home, the only dreamers who were respected were the ones who were financially successful. No matter that they may turn seventy before that happens. This person still adheres to this mentality.
Two existing on the same industry roller coaster was never what we wanted once we had our family. And yet its so hard to get off a moving roller coaster don't you find.
And here we are nearly at 2012. The christmas decorations have been in the epartment stores for a month and things we thought would be well underway by now have yet again been slid along a bit.
Exhaustingly and so familiarly, we have yet again had the rug yanked a little from under us. We are unsteady on our feet and our plans that seemed so very solid this time, have shifted again. Its a ripple effect.
Wait for this to start then we can do this then we will be here and it will all be by then.
I managed to marry somebody who has an ingrained fear of risk more than I do. Its quite ironic really when I thought I was marrying a fiercely determined gypsy. I think he thought the same thing and that together we would leap off that building. He would be the gypsy king and zip around the world and I would be his gypsy wife zipping around after him with children who had more stamps on their passports than anybody else we knew.
But then we over think things and we wait. Nobody should wait for anything. You just get older. So do your kids and school makes them less portable.
So the one thing I know will happen, is happening and has a deadline no matter what, is this baby boy.
And even though there is no point decorating a nursery or taking out that bigger mortgage just incase we aren't here long enough to make it worthwhile, this baby gets my head out of limbo just a bit.